Fuzz Dix talks about how sharing Kids Matter with a group of foster carers opened her eyes to the needs of her own children, as well as those of her foster child.
Foster carers come from all walks of life, and many in our London borough have parented their own children into adulthood, and then became foster carers because they wanted to keep nurturing young lives and seeing them flourish – fostering is an incredible way to do this. It is nothing short of a roller-coaster though – emotionally costly, rewarding, draining, energising, and above all a huge privilege, being entrusted with a child not your own, to welcome, parent, teach, care for and love.
Every time I run Kids Matter, I learn so much about my own parenting from the group discussions – it’s always a precious opportunity to reflect on how we are doing as a family, and areas where I want to grow and keep up with the ever-changing needs of my growing children. With our 4 sons, and foster son, ranging in age from 6 to 14 years old, family life is constantly on the move. And of the 17 Kids Matter groups that I’ve run so far, the group for foster carers has been surprisingly eye-opening and instructive, not only in terms of how we parent our foster child, but also notice more the needs of our own children.
I was invited to run Kids Matter for a group of local foster carers, as part of their monthly support group, and as a fairly new foster carer myself (we are two years in, and have our second placement), I was daunted at the prospect of presenting parenting resources to such an experienced bunch. But, actually, I was delighted and amazed to see that the Kids Matter material can make a difference even here. We don’t currently have a Kids Matter programme specifically designed for foster carers (yet!) but going through the programme and discussing topics such as “how do we express love to our children?”, and “why is playing with our children important”, gave space for the group to share their stories of parenting children who, for a whole variety of reasons, did not have a home with birth parents where they could flourish.
The very question “what do children need?” led to heart-breaking stories of children who had come from homes where physical safety, regular meals, and trusting relationships, were far from the child’s experience of reality, and I have marvelled again and again at the patience, perseverance and care that these foster carers have shown towards the children they look after. One 14-year-old girl refused to come out of her room for anything, even using the toilet, and verbally rejected her carer at every opportunity. When I asked her carer how that made her feel, she gave a sad smile and said, ‘upset; but I don’t give up.’ When we discussed how we praise our children, she reflected on how she could try to find something positive to praise in her foster child, rather than feeling overwhelmed by the negative cycle they were both in.
The group as a whole are very encouraging towards each other, and Kids Matter provides an opportunity to really intentionally cheer each other on. One seasoned carer said, after session 2:
Great support group yesterday, I like when all our stories come together, it’s about learning from each other.
For all parents and carers, being encouraged and supported is a crucial part of helping us keep going in our parenting roles, but especially when children come to us with additional needs and extra challenges. If Kids Matter succeeds in encouraging parents and carers so that they can keep on giving their best to the children in their care, then it is a precious gift for both the adults and the children.
Ed and Fuzz Dix (from St Luke’s Millwall) have been running Kids Matter parenting groups in Tower Hamlets for the last four years – the work they do to support children and families is prolific and the Tower Hamlets report emphasises the value of their presence in this very vulnerable community. To find out more about Kids Matter in Tower Hamlets, do get in touch – we’d love to chat!